PS 3505 

.U335 
J7 
1919 
Copy 1 






-tJOHNNIE'S 
WAR DIARY 



THE 

ADVENTURES 

OF A CAVALRY 

TROOPER 



FRANKLIN 
CUMMINGS 






^:^ 



/F' 




c.rmss 



"And then I hopped on my big toe. 
Just to show how fast I cud go." 



JOHNNIE'S WAR DIARY 

Being 

the Adventures of a 

Cavalry Trooper 



BY 

Franklin Cummings 

Illustrated by 
CHARLES MILES. 



m 



Berkeley, California, 

Lederer, Street and Zeus Co.. 

1919 



"Johnnie's" letters have brought real amusement and 
pleasure to the readers of the Daily Californian for 
many months. The campus looked forward each day 
to finding another letter setting down in Johnnie's way 
some new experience, fancied or real. Johnnie has 
often paraded the traditions and daily life of the 
University before us in such a way as to amuse us 
and at the same time set us thinking about their proper 
relation to university life. Johnnie has amused, ridi- 
culed, scolded, praised and sometimes condemned 
episodes in the ordinary life of the student body. He 
has been good for us and for the University. It is 
well that the best of his letters are to be collected 
and put into readable and permanent form. Johnnie 
has made a place for himself in the great body of 
University tradition and history. He has added a 
measure of joy and instruction. 

K. C. Leebrick. 




Foreword 

N CREATING the character of Johnnie, my 
aim has been primarily to amuse. All popular 
ideas to the contrary, there is no group of 
individuals anywhere in our national life quite 
so prone to a healthy sense of humor as an 
undergraduate body of college students. It was 
with the view of satisfying to some small extent this irre- 
sistible desire to laugh shared by my college fellows of all 
classes that I have created a naive and unsophisticated 
Johnnie and made him perform during a period of two 
years for the college audience of my own University. 

Johnnie is an anomaly, an oddity, who has at all times 
the saving grace of an enlarged sense of humor. The expe- 
riences he relates are pretty generally and faithfully taken 
from the author's own experiences. There is little con- 
tinuity of plot or action. The spelling is consciously 
exaggerated, and may be taken to imply a travesty on the 
woeful state of our own spelling here in college. The 
letters have been hurriedly written and without regard to 
any poetical form or metre other than the doggerel rhyme 
scheme followed throughout. 

In sending the little volume to the press, I wish to make 
grateful acknowledgement to Dr. K. C. Leebrick of the 
History department for his warm encouragement and good 
counsel, to Charles Miles of the class of 1919, who has 
contributed his time and talent to the illustrating of 
Johnnie's experiences, to "Gus" Gustafson of the L., S. & Z. 
staff, who has always been ready with his store of 
experience to help in planning the makeup, to Paul L. Pioda, 
who has deprived himself of his typewriter that Johnnie 
might grow, and to my old friend and classmate, "Poko" 
Harter, who has always lent a patient ear to each new 
story, and whose rare good judgment and frank reactions 
have proven an indispensable criterion. 

F. C. 

Berkeley, 
April 17, 1919. 



Table of Contents 

johnnie's war diary 

Johnnie Enlists - - - 11 

Pneumonia Point -------- 13 

In Quarantine --------- 15 

Tucker Gets a Bath - 17 

The Pipes of Pan - 19 

Johnnie's First Ride - 21 

An Encounter With the Colonel - - - - 25 

The Dreaded Sofa ------- 27 

Johnnie Stands at Attention - - - - - 32 

Bound For Arkansaw ------- 34 

JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME 

The Floo Mask -------- 39 

Jinrickshaws 41 

Suspenders and Tea Fights 43 

Pride Goeth Before a Fall ----- 45 

The Bathing Girls - 48 

Aunt Jane ---50 

The Milky Way 52 

At Idora Park - - - - - - - - 55 

The Belgian Baby Ball ------ 57 

The Prytanean Fete - 59 

Bolshevism ---------6i 



Johnnie Enlists 



May 27 

Dere dierry, I'm a Raw Rekroot, 
Reddy to fite the Germun broot. 
To-day at the rekrooting stashun 
I sined up for to serve the nashun. 
Pattritizm fired my soul, 
When I did reech this yerned 

for goal. 
For six weeks two raw eggs I'd et 
Eech meel in hoaps that I wud get 
Reel fat in order to inlist 
And Unkle Sammy's boyze assist. 
Raw eggs are very nawziating 
And set the stommick palpitating. 
I took them f urst one Sunday nite 
And failed to stir the yellow and 

white 
To-gether, so they wudn't slide 
Reel eezy on their downward glide, 
But stuck within my throat. The 

yoke 
Did make me snort and girgle 

and choke 
Until I had to outdores fly 
And bid those eggs a fond good- 
bye. 
They fell and struck the ground 

reel fast 
But missed a lady's hat going past. 
Sence then I've took my eggs 

beet up 
With Sherry wine in my Shaving 

cup. 
But still I never gayned no wate 
And thot I wudn't hezzitate 
No more, so to-day I appered 
At the Rekrooting office, afeard 
Only that beeing as I waz thin 
Mite mabbe delay my getting in, 



Or beeing as I'm so awful small, 
They mite not let me in a-tall. 
But I thot perhaps the Kalverry 
Wud be a sootable branch for me. 
So I up and shook the Sargent's 

fist 
And sed, "I gess I wanta inlist." 
He took my name and all the datta 
Of my berth and what had bin the 

matter 
With paw's great grandma when 

she died 
And I sed I thot twuz sooicide, 
And what maw's name was 'fore 

she married, 
And whether paw insurants carried, 
And so on, then I took a shower, 
And cum forth, a sweet smelling 

flower. 
A kore of doctors viewed me, 

wateing. 
My neckked thinness kontemplating. 
One of them thumped my ribs and 

sed, 
"S'matter, kid, are you underfed?", 
And he made me mutter "Ninety- 
nine", 
Az his hand run jagged down my 

spine. 
The next one, with a eer trumpet, 
Lissened at my hart and thumped it. 
The cold steel next my beeting 

skin 
Waz like the jab of a safety pin. 
My goose flesh roze twice normal 

size. 
And that doktor seemed to be 

all ize. 
He sez, "Left Pulmennerry nerviss," 



12 



Johnnie's War Diary 



And pushed me off. Twuz speedey 

serviss. 
The next one jammed me in the 

jaw, 
(Which reminded me of deer old 

paw). 
"Open your mouth, stick out your 

tungue," 
These words to me he harshlj'^ 

flung. 
In my throat a spoon he poked about. 
And sed, "Those tonsells must cum 

out." 
I thot as how I'd done no wrong, 
And then he sent me flying along 
To a fat man, who did clasp my arm 
With sum skweezers, and with grate 

alarm 
I saw the flesh bulge out and kwiver. 
Which made me week down in my 

liver. 
Next they made me bend way over. 
Like playing Leep Frog in the clover, 
I hoaped the fat dock wudn't fall 
On me, but twuzn't that at all. 
Insted he made me close my eers, 
Then whisperred faint, "How 

many beers?" 



At leest twuz this in my beleef, 
But they laffed and sed that I waz 

deef. 
Next they brot me a bag of wool, 
Which waz with kolored yarnings 

full. 
I picked up one I thot wuz red 
But twuz vermullin, so they sed. 
And then I hopped on my big toe, 
Just to show how fast I cud go. 
I hopped to the wall and then 

hopped back 
And I thot my toe wud surely crack. 
I waz a reel esthettick site 
Like Afroditee, Kween of Nite. 
And then they wayed me. I surmize 
I'd lost ten pounds frum that 

exercize. 
But they all confurred and all agreed 
That I cud ride a broke down steed. 
And so, before they changed their 

mind, 
I grabbed what cloathes as I cud find. 
And hollered, after I made my vow, 
"Hooray, I'm in the armee now." 
So long, dere dierry, I will write 
In you agen sum other nite. 



Johnnie's War Diary 



Pneumonia Point 



May 31 
Dere dierry, I'm in kakky now, 
And have took my final oath and 

vow. 
On Wensday we cum on a bote 
To Angle-Hand. Feer and hope 
Waz mingled in our beeting blud, 
As we herd the steemer's enjuns' 

thud. 
A multitood waz on the decks, 
And all waz of the maskilline sex. 
V\'e waz herded on this bote like 

kattle 
And we felt the thrill of going to 

battle. 
But when Angle-Hand hove in view, 
A homesick feeUng in me grew. 
Thouzands waz there, all Raw 

Rekroots, 
Most of them in civillian soots. 
We waz drove to the Receeving 

stashun 
To tell our age and last vocashun, 
Then we waz drove to the big Mess 

Hall, 
Where a meel waz swallowed down 

by all. 
And then they made us take a 

shower. 
And stand in the cold wind haff a 

hour. 
I shiverred and shook in ev'ry joint, 
When the Sargent sez, "Pnoomonia 

Point." 
On we waz drove a mile or two, 
Twaz cold, no vegettashun grew. 
But suddinly at the foot of a hill, 
A lot of tents did rize and fill 
The landscape. "Ah", to myself 

I sed, 



"Perhaps they'll let us go to bed." 
But first they parselled the blankets 

out, 
Which took two hours. We stood 

about, 
Chattering our teeth, huddled to- 
gether, 
Beeing az it waz such freezing 

wether. 
And then we skrambled for thoze 

tents. 
The flock of skramblers waz so 

dense, 
I got the last tent down the hill. 
Where the oshun did its wavelets 

spill. 
Five of us enterred this flapping 

place, 
And a hideous grin cum on eech 

face 
When we saw grate piles of grit 

and dust 
On our bed tiks. O I almost cussed ! 
And then an unkind sargent 

hollered, 
"Get fresh straw for your tiks," 

I follered 
The crowd. We climed a grate 

long hill. 
And with wet straw did our bed 

tiks fill. 
Fin'lly we got back to the tent. 
Having two hours and a kwarter 

spent 
In feeding bed tiks. O I aked! 
And my body waz with sand doons 

caked. 
Which filled my eers, my throat, 

my noze, 
And sifted way down to my toes. 



14 



Johnnie's War Diary 



At last I enterred my bed of down 
With my cloathes on, for my new 

nite gown 
Waz lost in a sand doon. Down I 

laid 
And nachur's call to rest obeyed. 
But alas! the noizes of the nite 
Waz manj'^, slumber took her flite, 
And I laid in the dark a-shivering, 
Bloody othes in my tik delivering. 
The wind cum howling under my 

tent, 
It waz a fearful nite I spent. 
The tent did creek and groan and 

rock 
Till I thot the wind wud shurely 

knock 
It over. There I grimly lay, 
Too skeart to move, too skeart to 

pray. 
In the next bed tik, sumbody snored, 
Far and nere the rumblings roared. 
Sweet sleep left me and ne'er 

returned. 



Only a madness in me burned. 
At half past four, when all waz 

still, 
A bugle blew from off the hill. 
I got up, stiff in ev'ry joint, 
Frum having bin on Pnoomonia 

Point. 



To-day they giv us our ekwipment 
Out of a seckund handed shipment. 
My blowze waz bilt for Prezident 

Tafft, 
Even the Q. M. Sargent laffed. 
Altho' my waste is twenty-aite, 
An undiskrimminating fate 
Handed me pants size forty-four. 
They sed they hadn't enny more. 
Also my leggins and my shoes 
Iz enuff to give a feller the blues. 
Next time I write, I'll be more 

cheery. 
At present I am awful weery. 




Johnnie's War Diary 



In Quarantine 



June 10. 
Dere dierry, we cum last Saterrday 
To our army post in Monteray. 
I'm getting used to looking so big 
In this everlasting army rig. 
But my hat high on my hed doze set 
Like a bunyon, sense I got it wet. 
Tiz that which fusses me the most, 
And makes me look like Hamlet's 

ghoast. 
I've developped a good appytite, 
And I alius look a ravennus site, 
Seeing az my army blowze hangs 

loose. 
And gapping like a kalaboose. 
They've put us here in kwaranteen 
Out in sum tents, where kwite 

unseen. 
We're lerning how to do Rite Face, 
And turn within a narrow space. 
At midnite, sleeping hevvily. 
The bugle blows for Revilly, 
And we haff to run out in the frost, 
And they call the roll to see who's 

lost, 
And eech fellow doze his elbow jut 
Into the next guy's empty gut. 
When this iz done it iz a sine 
That there iz a horrizontel line. 
Revilly throo', we grab our mess- 
kits 
For our otemeel and our soggy 

biskits. 
They slam it on the plate to-gether, 
And it tastes just like dilooted 

lether. 
Altho' the taste of it iz pore, 
I gobbel it up and go for more. 
After brekfust, two hours iz spent 



In "poleecing up" around the tent. 
To "poleece up" means to walk 

bent over, 
Like hunting for a fore-leef klover. 
And pick up all the cigerret buts, 
Lying within the grooves and ruts. 
To-day the Sargent blew his 

whissel, 
Which pricks just like a thorny 

thissel, 
And, when we'd poked eech others' 

guts. 
He hollers loud : "Which of you 

muts 
Haz bin to kollidge? Anser kwick!" 
With feverish joy I most grew sick. 
Eeger to show my higher knollidge, 
I up and piped, "I've bin to 

kollidge." 
The Sargent sneered, "You are the 

man. 
Go and empty the garbidge can." 
However I beet the rest at drill, 
And think I cud a Germun kill. 
My tentmates are a splendid groop, 
Well fitted for a Kalvery troop. 
Bill 'Ammon waz a chariott racer 
In Wringling's. He can ride a 

pacer 
Of enny kind. Then there's Sour 

Sam, 
Who says that he don't giv' a damm 
For enny boss or man or gun. 
For he punched cows at Bloody 

Run. 
And there's Jim Mahooney tended 

bar 
In Okeland at a place not far 



16 Johnnie's War Diary 



From where we useter go to kollidge, For the Germuns we will trubble 
Of hiz cokktails I hav' had sum brew. 

knoUidge. Goodby, dere dierry, tatoo's blown, 

We are a hardy, sturdy krew, And I must lie me down and moan. 




Johnnie's War Diary 



17 



Tucker Gets a Bath 



June 12. 
Dere dierry, I've bin vaxxinated, 
My arm is shure illuminated, 
Its purpel and its swole and sore, 
And they're going to do it two 

times more. 
O the suffring I've underwent! 
O the painful hours I've spent! 
All bekawze of that prikkly scratch. 
At the time I reely didn't attach 
Much importance to that needle's 

bite, 
But now as I look at what a site 
My arm iz, az I feel the throbbing, 
Az I watch my mussels kwivvering, 

bobbing 
In anguish, I feel full convickshun 
That small things can cawze lots 

of frickshun. 
That needle haz a fever started. 
Also my brekfust haz departed. 
My throat iz sore, my feet have 

chills, 
And rumblings my inteerior fills. 
I'm writing this with my left hand. 
That's why my letters drunken 

stand. 
Now I must tell (and I aint 

joshing) 
How Tucker got a sure-enuff wash- 
ing. 
Tucker's the laziest hound on erth. 
And he's ornery and he izn't worth 
The beens he eats. (Lord! he 

can stuff, 
Fore helpings and that aint enuff). 
Pore Tucker hails from Arkinnsaw, 
Where they drafted him to go to 

wah. 
This kweer bird iz seven feet tall, 



But he'z teerful like he's going to 

bawl. 
And his mouth hangs open like 

a kazm, 
He's a ignerrent hunk of proto- 

plazm. 
He aint got a thimbelful of branes. 
And he's alius groanin' 'bout his 

pains. 
When they pick him for a work 

detail, 
He'z alius there with his rhoomatiz 

wail. 
But the wurst thing 'bout this 

hayseed roob 
Iz that the everlasting boob 
Don't harken to the water's call. 
So when he into bed doze krawl 
At nite the oder iz so awful. 
We decided az it wazn't lawful 
For us to suffer while he snored. 
So we appointed a judgment board. 
At furst we waz patient, verry 

nice. 
We went to Tucker and warned 

him twice 
To rinse himself in soap and 

water 
Just like a human beeing otter. 
But he plumb forgot our good 

advice. 
And so he had to pay the price. 
We waked him frum a gurgling 

slumber, 
And moved him like a piece of 

lumber 
Out to the shower room in the 

nite. 
The Sargent sed it waz all rite. 



18 



Johnnie's War Diary 



Pore Tucker knew he had met his 

doom 
When we pushed him in the shower 

room. 
He howled and kicked and yelled 

in frite, 
But we waz firm and held on tite. 
And there in spite of Tucker's 

wrath, 
We giv' him a honest-to-goodness 

bath. 
We stuck him in that icey shower, 
And held him in it over a hour. 
Pore Tucker gasped and lost his 

breth. 



And thot he'd met hiz certain 

deth. 
We brot him to with a skrubbing 

brush 
And made hiz tuff hide bloom and 

blush. 
When we got throo' he smelled 

reel sweet, 
He wud hav pleezed the most eleet. 
But hiz skin, tho pink, iz raw and 

tender 
Frum the bathing that we had to 

render. 
Goodby, my hand doze kramp 

me so, 
I just can't move it to and fro. 



Johnnie's War Diary 



19 



The Pipes of Pan 



June 18. 

Dere dierry, the Y. M. C. A. 
Arranged to hav a littel play 
Last nite inside the army chappel, 
Also they give us eech a appel 
At the doreway. Twaz a reel nice 

show, 
And put us all in a frendly glow. 
Furst sumbody renderred a hymm, 
Which made my eyes with teers 

to swim. 
And then my hairs on end did raze 
As "China and its Waterwayze" 
Was thrown before us on the 

skreen, 
The thrillingest pitcher I hav seen. 
And then sum guy in a skweeky 

voice 
Spoke on "Christiannity's Choice". 
He raved and ranted and told as 

how 
We must keep clean to win this 

row. 
I thot az how we had done our bit 
In skrubbing Tucker to make 

him fit. 
And then a fat lady cum and sung, 
Our harts in sympethy waz wrung. 
"O tell my daddy, wont he plese 

take care, 
For his baby prays at twilight 
For her daddy over there." 
When she got throo we klapped so 

loud, 
Agen she cum before the krowd, 
And rendered "Sweet Little 

Buttercup", 
Our soals the sweet sounds gobbled 

up. 



And tho' the applawze did most 

die down, 
Six more she sung in her evening 

gown, 
A look of eckstacy on her face, 
Her arms stretched outward in 

embrace. 
And then the biggest akt of enny 
Waz pulled to thrill the soals 

of many. 
They called this skit, "The Pipes 

of Pan," 
And when the curtin roze, to 

a man 
We gasped and bulged our eyes 

to see 
This tale of woodland eckstacy. 
"Pan" waz a lady six feet tall 
Who waz hopping to the wood- 
land's call. 
Her skinny limms waz clad in tites 
Az she hopped among the elves 

and sprites. 
The tites waz pink and Pan did run 
Madly around the wood in her fun. 
In her hands she clasped a hot 

water bottle 
Held to her mouth as if to throttle 
Its music, and her fingers played 
In harmony as her body swayed. 
She hopped, she leeped, she jumped, 

she ran, 
And we waz brethless to a man. 
Her body wud bow down to the 

ground. 
And then she'd mount by a leep 

and bound 
Up to where the dogberries hung, 
And the hot water bottle sizzled 

and sung. 



20 



Johnnie's War Diary 



Eech limm' did kwivver as she 

roze, 
Showing the kontours of her hoze, 
But once as at the trees she did 

rush 
An auddible rip did bring a hush. 
And then another object ran, 
// was the left tite of poor Pan. 
It ran from her hip down to 

her toe, 
Then up the hill agen did go. 
It ran until the men burst out 
In cheering and a thunderous 

shout. 



And Pan waz so tremendus 

pleezed 
That her art had thus the 

awedience seezed, 
She cum back and she danced 

agen. 
Which cawzed a uproar among 

the men. 
We went home laffing at pore 

Pan, 
Thinking of how her stocking ran. 
Goodby, dere dierry, I must go, 
I think I hear the mess call blow. 




Johnnie's War Diary 



21 



Johnnie's First Ride 



June 24. 
Dere dierry, let fuchur ages reed 
Of how I rode a prancing steed. 
This morning the Captain did 

decide 
"You men must go for a hoss- 

back ride." 
My teeth did rattle at this news, 
My soal waz dampened by the 

blues, 
My hart waz still and filled with 

gloom, 
Az I thot of my impending doom. 
I waz so week I waz hardly abel 
To clime that long hill to the stabel. 
But up we dragged with silent tred, 
Up to the stabel, sickened with 

dred. 
I glimpsed those bosses with bated 

breth, 
Beeing az I waz skeart to deth. 
The Sargent, seein' me standing 

about. 
Razed his voice in a terribul shout, 
"You dammed numskullion, get 

you a boss," 
I thot he needn't hav bin so cross. 
Dutifully I went to obtain 
A boss what had a yellow mane, 
Which boss did eye me kwizzickley, 
Whereby I weekened fizzickely. 
I gingerly stepped to reech its bed 
And in a gentle whisper sed, 
"Nice hossie, pleze don't be 

afraid," 
And then on its back the saddle 

laid. 
But the boss kicked up a wicked 

heel. 
Whereby my blud did most congeel, 
And shook the saddle offen hiz hide 



And walked away. The Sargent's 

stride 
Cum lumbering tord me. I did 

shrink, 
"You rookies wud drive the Lord 

to drink," 
He thundered, and then he loudly 

swore, 
"You had that saddle on hind 

part fore." 
I didn't defend myself, but grinned 
Reel sheepish that I thus had 

sinned. 
The Sargent, who's reely kind at 

hart, 
Fixed the boss and giv me a start. 
My foot in the sterrups, I jumped 

with eeze 
Into the saddle, my reins did seeze. 
I waz so excited I hollered "Whoa", 
Tho the Captin had giv the word 

to go. 
But the Sargent sed, "Giddap, 

giddap !" 
And giv my charger a awful slap 
On the South end of his torso, 

where 
The tail frisks blithely in the air. 
And then we waz off in a cloud 

of dust, 
I thot, "O God, in you I trust!" 
I clutched the reins with a frenzied 

smile, 
My body thrown skyward all the 

while, 
My boss waz frisky and liked to go, 
Twaz all rite, but it josselled so. 
I lost my faith in bit and rein 
And hung on tite to the yellow 

mane. 
Over the hills and pinewood trails, 



22 



Johnnie's War Diary 



Nachur waz bursting. But bewty 

fails 
In a moment of such dire distress 
To stir my soal to its loveliness. 
Once my charger pricked up his 

eers, 
I sed, "Pleeze, hoss, don't hav no 

feers." 
And I gently stroked his eers 

and neck, 
But his tossing hed sum foam 

did fleck 
Into my anxious eyes and face, 
And then we started forth on 

a race. 
My hart froze up, to the mane 

I hung, 
Az over the mountain trails we 

flung, 
Hoss and rider in maddened flite, 
We soon left the others out of site. 
We jumped the ravines, tore throo' 

the trees, 
Snorting out flame az we cut 

the breeze. 
I roze like the billow of a wave, 
And hoped that the Lord my 

soal wud save. 
Sumtimes the saddle and me 

wud meet. 
But offenest I waz up six feet 
In the sky, clutching that bosses 

hair. 
And jabbering at a feebul prayer. 
But even when praying I felt 

the pain 
Of having to hit the saddel 

again, 
And I wished that it had cum 

to mind 
To tie a pillow on behind. 
Fin'lly we reeched a big, round 

ring, 



'Twas the Bull Pen, which did 

horror bring. 
My hoss from habit made for 

a hurdle. 
And my blud begun to churn 

and curdel. 
I knew my doom had cum at last, 
But still I prayed and held on fast. 
My hoss made a run and roze 

on high 
And tossed me off into the sky. 
Nine days like Lucifer I fell 
Before I reeched the Port of Hell. 
Later my lifeless carkass they 

found 
In a krumpled heep upon the 

ground. 
But I'm revived now, sitting on 

pillows, 
Thinking of how I roze on billows. 
Az a Kalverry trooper, I'm the 

bunk, 
But the Captin sed I showed 

sum spunk. 
He also added with a snicker, 
"For a small guy, you can bounce 

lots kwicker 
Than a can of Baked Bcens on 

the fire. 
Furthermore you bounce lots 

higher 
Than a geyzer in its dullest 

ackshun," 
And so I am a grate attrackshun 
In the Orderly Room. But still 

my hide 
Iz a blistered mass from that hoss 

back ride. 
I gess I'm laid up for a week. 
But will no more of my trubbels 

speek. 
Goodby, until my sore spots heel, 
I'll write agen when I normel feel. 




7 wisht that it had cum to mind 
To tie a pillow on behind." 



Johnnie's War Diary 



25 



An Encounter With the Colonel 



June 27. 
Dere dierry, I am feeling better. 
This morning I receeved a swetter 
From one of the nineteen I adore, 
It sed "To My Hero." Nothing 

more 
This packedge's woolley folds did 

fill, 
Altho' I looked for a dollar bill 
Tucked away in a nook sumwhere 
To surprize me, taken unaware. 
Also she dozen't seem to rekall 
My phyzziogmany at all, 
Or else she thot I'd grown much 

fatter. 
At enny rate it dozen't matter. 
Altho the swetter dozen't fit. 
Still I shall keep it, sense twaz 

gnit 
By her. Besides at nite I can 

spred 
It like a blanket on my bed. 
The Captin took a shine to me, 
Sence my horseback riding he 

did see, 
And so the Troop Clerk's job 

desended 
On me and all my trubbels ended. 
They made me a Sargent yesterday, 
Eight dollars more I'll get for my 

pay. 
The Captin also made me the boss 
Of a nice and gentle lady-hoss 
Named Delpheen cause its mane 

iz red, 
All my f eers and trubbels haz fled. 
But still, altho I rank so high. 
One of the Kernels riding by 
Did stop and in an angry burst 



Told me I must salute him furst. 
I havn't had time to verify 
His statement, but I wonder why 
Tucker, who carries the bags 

of mail. 
Only a ornery Private, did fail 
To salute me az I husselled by, 
I gess I'll lern the reezon why. 
Dissiplin iz a splendid way 
To make these Privates lern to 

obey. 
This morning / went for the mail. 
Seeing as Tucker did weep and 

wail 
Bekawze his littel finger hurt. 
And so I anserred up reel curt, 
"You big slob, take another bath," 
And then I walked off, white 

with wrath. 
A purty gurl handels the mail, 
And so I lingerred to tell the tale 
Of how my Sargent's stripes 

I'd won. 
And how I didn't salute no one, 
Not even the Kernel, 'less I 

wanted. 
And as to her these tales I 

flaunted. 
She sed, "There cums the Kernel 

now," 
My couradge seemed to leeve 

sumhow. 
I grabbed the letters and left 

in haste, 
Thinking as how no time I'd waste, 
For enny spot becums infernal 
As soon as there arrives a 

Kernel. 



26 



Johnnie's War Diary 



But out in front where all 

mite see 
This Kernel run rite into me. 
When I waz waving to that dame, 
The impact of our bodies came. 
The Kernel drew up to his hite, 
He was a stern and outraged site. 
We stood there in two feet of 

space 
And eyed eech other face to face. 
And then, tho my anger burned 

like fire, 
I thot az how this man ranked 

higher, 
And hassened to salute him furst. 
And the string what held the 

letters burst. 



They fell and scattered ev'rywhere, 
The Kernel moved on with 

pashunt air, 
And I stooped down and tore my 

britches. 
Picking up mail from gutter and 

ditches. 
And not far away that dame did 

giggle, 
Sum day I'll make that Kernel 

riggle! 
Dere dierry, this subjick pains 

me so. 
No longer can I make words 

to flow. 




Johnnie's War Diary 



27 



The Dreaded Sofa 



July 9. 
Dere dierry, a lady what lives in 

town 
Invited sum Troopers to cum 

down 
To a party which she giv last 

nite. 
Her parler waz a brilliant site. 
All of the belles in town waz 

there, 
And sum what had no bewty 

to spare. 
There waz three more homely 

than the rest, 
One of the three beeing flat 

of chest, 
Another looking like a balloon, 
A third whozc hair had left too 

soon. 
They made for the sofy rite 

away, 
And there they sat till the brake 

of day, 
Wateing, wateing in dredful 

suspense, 
Wateing with bodies uprite and 

tense, 
Hoping 'gainst hope that by sum 

chance 
Somewun wud cum and ask them 

to dance, 
Hoping, groping, staring, saying 
Things beneeth their breth and 

praying 
That God wud send sum man at 

last. 
Thus the endless hours passed. 
They sat there, graven images. 

Stone 



Had petrified them bone by bone. 
They sat like sentinels of the nite 
To gard that sofy with their mite. 
They sat and never spoke a word, 
And yet their inmost thots we herd. 
They reminded me of pore Lot's 

wife, 
Who turned to salt in the prime 

of life. 
Their eyes did, glassy, bulge and 

bulge. 
And all of the tragedy did divulge. 
It stirred my pity, it touched my 

hart 
To see nobody taking their part. 
Their mizerry did move me so, 
I went to alleviate their woe. 
To the sofy I did thus advance, 
Eech looked up with a appeeling 

glance. 
I hurredly sed, "Tit, tat, toe. 
One, two, three, and out you go." 
The big balloon fell to my lot. 
Who waz deeply rooted to the spot. 
But fin'lly I got her frame in 

ackshun, 
Her smile showed evvident satis- 

fackshun. 
Disappointed, in utter gloom. 
The others sank back to their 

doom. 
My buxsora pardner and I set out 
Midst many a cheer, many a shout. 
In billows the lady's arms aroze 
Like a country pump what har 

bin froze. 
We went off in a whirl of skirts, 
I thot, "Lord, how my left korn 

hurts !" 



28 



Johnnie's War Diary 



Just then the monster stepped 

on it, 
I had to clench my teeth and grit 
To keep back the skorching teers. 

We dashed 
Around the room. Peepul waz 

mashed 
Into closets and corners ev'ry- 

where, 
And I waz in desperret need 

of air. 
Buckets of perspiration came, 
She sed the wether waz to blame. 
Thus we waddled like senseless 

fools, 
Turning 'round like gyratting 

spools. 
After a hour the enkores stopped, 
My animated oktopus flopped 
Back on the sofy, damp but 

beeming. 
And the other two sat sourly 

skeeming. 
I, with a sickly kweer smile. 
Went to rest for a little while. 
But the jellosee on other faces 
Brot back my mind from dreemy 

spaces. 
And I returned for the Flat One. 

She 
Smiled sweetly and with faith 

at me. 
She was so stiff from where 

she'd sat. 
She only had one move down pat. 
Twaz a sideward movement and 

we went 
Like a comet with its fury spent. 
It waz a slow, a lingerring glide, 
And when our steps didn't coin- 
cide, 
I stopped and let her take new aim, 



While she told me of her dansing 

fame. 
Whenever a wall did stop us. 

Then 
We wud turn and go back home 

agen. 
'Tho twaz a tag dance none cum 

rushing 
To steel away this sweet and 

blushing 
Spinster. Even a dollar bill 
Failed to loosen their obstinnet 

will. 
I dangled that dollar bill and 

prayed 
But none waz by my bribery 

swayed. 
Men what exist on a Private's pay 
Did turn their beds and look away. 
Fin'lly the muzick pawzed. Before 
They cud begin another enkore, 
I sed, "Excuze me, I must go. 
My lower limms iz aking so." 
And then I hid for a hour or two, 
Until my sense of duty grew 
Again, and then once more 

returned, 
And lo ! I with excitement burned. 
The hairless one dessended the 

stair 
With hat on and a going air. 
I thot twaz safe her joy to 

enhance. 
And sed, "I'm sorry we missed 

our dance." 
Immediately my mind did wake 
To the tragedy of my mistake. 
With one wild move she took 

her hat 
And placed it where so long 

she'd sat, 
And floated in my arms and trod 
Where my bursting corns did 

ake and throb. 




7 hurredly sed, 'Tit, tat, toe, 
One, two, three, and out you go. 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



31 



She lumberred in a grim content, 
And talked a blue streek az if 

she ment 
To make up for the silent hours 
In which she sat on the pillowey 

bowers. 



Also with her I isecreem ate, 
The victim of a onkind fate, 
And when the morning hours cum, 
I had to cart all three to hum. 
Goodby, dere dierry, I can say, 
I am a wizer yooth to-day. 




32 



Johnnie's War Diary 



Johnnie Stands at Attention 



July 16. 
Dere dierry, Delpheen's verrynice, 
So far she's only kicked me twice. 
Her excentriccities I hav lerned, 
She's touchy where her feet are 

concerned. 
This first I lerned the other day, 
It cum in a onexpected way. 
Az I waz kurrying her after a 

ride, 
Skraping the mud from offen her 

hide, 
I also desided to clean her feet, 
Which didn't my approval meet. 
But she wudn't budge her left 

hind hoof, 
And I had to offer a reproof. 
I slapped her with the Kurry kome 
In a tender spot where the horse- 
flies rome. 
And then that left hind hoof 

did rize. 
And attained abnormel force and 

size. 
Konvulsively it met my face 
And sent me backward kwite 

a space. 
The doktor has had to take a tuck 
Where Delpheen's hind hoof roze 

and struck. 
And on the Sick Book I did go. 
Which waz to me a awful blow. 
To-day I waz on my feet agen, 
And went to the stabels with 

the men. 
Delpheen wated in mute appeeling, 
I went to say I held no hard 

feeling, 



But my purpose waz misunder- 
stood, 
That same hoof flew az far az 

it cud, 
And hit my knee a awful crack, 
So many stars cum, I lost track. 
This afternoon my time iz free, 
Bekawze of this welt upon my knee. 
And so I'm doing personal things. 
Which alius satisfaction brings. 
I washed my soot of underware 
And my other pare of sox with 

care. 
It's getting to be a barracks joke. 
Whenever my underware I soak, 
I shiver without enny cover, 
Az o'er the spigguts I do huvver. 
And while its hanging up to dry, 
I haff to go on my bunk and lie 
Under my swetter for proteckshun. 
To-day they had a dammed in- 

speckshun. 
A fat ole doktor poked in hiz hed, 
The man in charge of kwarters 

sed, 
"Attenshun!" so I had to rize. 
My form a-shivering before hiz 

eyes. 
Ole Stuffums never sed "At Eze," 
And so I stood with stiffened 

kneez, 
And neether did he holler "Rest" 
Which iz the order I love best. 
So I stood neckked at attenshun, 
The doktor evry'where did 

menshun 
That the shoos waz turned the 

opposet way 



Johnnie's War Diary 



33 



From what he had ordered 

yesterday, 
That the flore waz bad in need 

of skrubbing. 
That the dore nobbs still cud stand 

sum rubbing, 
All this while out of a window 

crack 
A chilly breeze did hit my back. 
I shivvered, but I stood my post, 
The doktor beeing still engrossed 
Telling how the blankets shud fold, 
While I waz catching my deth of 

cold, 
Rubbing hiz finger where rub he 

must, 
Then holding it up to view the dust. 



With a final leckshure he out did 

flop, 
Az I waz reeling, reddy to drop. 
And at the dore with a skeptickle 

wheeze. 
He turned and pawzed, then sed, 

"At Eze." 
Goodbye, dere dierry, I still can 

laff, 
Tho' I rigid stood an hour and a 

haff, 
Tho I've got a welt upon my knee, 
And a stich within my face you see, 
Tho my underware's not dry 

enuff. 
And a terribul cold my hed doze 

stuff. 



34 



Johnnie's War Diary 



Bound for Arkansaw 



July 20. 

Dere dierry, I'm abord the train, 
I'll newer see the Kalverry agen, 
I'm going to be a doe-boy now 
And get rite in the thick of the row. 
I'm bound for Camp Pike, 

Arkinnsaw, 
When Tucker herd this he hollered 

"Law, 
You'll be rite neer to Pappy's 

farm," 
Which filled me with a grate alarm. 
The reezon for this suddin move 
Iz that the Captain wants me to 

prove 
My rite to wear sum shiney bars 
Az well as the grim and homely 

skars 
What Delpheen giv me. So I'm 

bound 
For where the Arkinnsaw River's 

found. 
Six the Genrul Order did rule 
Shud go to the Ossifers' Training 

Skule. 
We six are bound on a fast express 
To the Centrul Infuntry O. T. S. 
I sent Delpheen my last farewell 
By proxey, so I'm sound and well. 
Tucker shed bitter teers when I 

left, 
Beeing of hiz cheef tormentor 

bereft. 
The Captain giv my hand a skweeze, 
I shook with emoshun at my kneez. 
Old Monteray iz of the past, 
To Arkinnsaw we're flying fast. 
This sleeper iz a stuffy place, 
We're living in two feet of space. 



The six of us only have two 

seckshuns. 
We sleep heeped up in all 

direckshuns. 
And o its hot! I glissen with swet, 
My underware is ringing wet. 
We're crossing Arizony now. 
It don't appeel to me sumhow. 
We stopped at a place called Indio, 
Three peepul liv in its furniss glow. 
A fat lady cross the ile gasped, 

"Well, 
Thoze creetures '11 be prepared for 

Hell." 
Pore lady! she suffers frum the 

heet, 
Haff of the time she's stuck to 

her seet. 
She gasps in fluds of perspirashun, 
Calling the heroes of the nashun 
To move her evry hour or two. 
As we pull we hear the ripping 

gloo. 
Pore thing! she haz a upper berth. 
In which we hoist her up with 

mirth. 
It takes all six of us a hour 
To raze her with our cumbined 

power. 
And in the morning she has to 

dessend, 
Three of us helping at eech end. 
A thin old maid iz also along. 
Who thinks the world is doing her 

wrong. 
Last nite she lost her green silk 

waste, 
And up and down the ile she's 

paced, 



Johnnie's War Diary 



35 



Looking throo evrybody's clothes, 
A grate big teerdrop on her noze. 
And always in her serchin mission, 
She seems to view me with 

suspicion, 
And lingers over my barracks bag, 
But I haint took her old green rag. 



Whew! the fat lady's beckoning 

to me. 
So I'll cloze this dcre old dierry. 
And here I'll end my Kalverry 

story, 
For I'm on my way to win new 

glory. 




HERE BEGIN 

Johnnie's Letters Home 

Which tell of things which happened 
on the campus of the Univer- 
sity of California 




"Woof of the Floo is most afeard, 
And covers his whole face and his beard 
IVith a Turkish towel " 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



39 



The Floo Mask 



Dere fokes, I'm garding 'genst 

the Floo, 
Wich all good paytriotts otta do, 
Since there be such a eppidummick 
It makes me sick down in my 

stummick 
To think of all what are feeling 

low 
With the Floo. O I nawziated grow, 
And wear my Floo mask on my 

eer 
Becauze I am so full of fear. 
There iz a order that everybody 
Must wear a Floo mask, and 'tis 

a study 
In Humannachur to see the places 
Where masks are hung on people's 

faces. 
Some I have seen upon the nose, 
Some on the place where whiskers 

grows, 
Some on the eers, some on the 

neck 
Some on the hairs above, by heck. 
Four on the place where wimmin 

smile, 
Some on their i-brows, onst in 

a while. 
One found a place on a wooman's 

hat, 
And among the birds and feathers 

sat. 
A feemale friend of mine told me 
As how on Toosday she did see 
Her prof, use his as a hankercheef 
And now she says she'd just as lief. 
And as for the Floo masks shape 

and size. 
Some peeple are astonishing wise. 



The fat wimmin what are short 

of breth 
Are taking no chances of their deth 
From windpipe stoppage so they 

grin 
Real sweet with warmers on their 

chin. 
One prof, with asma has made slits 
In his, throo which he breethes 

and spits. 
And all the Channing Greekery 

vamps, 
Have purchased tiny postage stamps 
Of Crape-de-sheen, small pinkish 

dots 
Which they stick on like bewty 

spots. 
Woof of the Floo is most afeard 
And covers his whole face and 

his BEARD 
With a Turkish towel to keep away 
The germs while he searches all 

the day 
For the sixth dimension, and I herd 
Of another ancient mildood bird 
What uses a washrag, cool and 

sweet 
To his chin what has the prickly 

heet. 
Floo Masks have their good 

points, too. 
Of which I'll enoomerate a few. 
They mingle on an equal basis 
All feemales, no matter what their 

faces. 
Vampires and pelicans, all alike, 
Through the campus byways you 

must hike. 



40 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



And all the fellows' mustaches 

are hid, 
(Of this newsance, I am glad 

we're rid). 
One prof. I know with a squeeky 

voice 
Has a class what wears these 

masks by choice. 
Beecause they thus can safely 

shriek, 
And laff at each new funny 

squeek. 
Also behind them we can gap, 
And nobody then can care a rap. 
And if the masks are big enuff, 



One can chew gum and pinch 

his snuff 
And sleep with safety and eat 

a bit 
And think a lot of obseen wit. 
O fokes, this is a funny erth, 
Into which you have give me birth, 
We go around like muzzled dogs. 
And snort and breathe and act 

like hogs. 

I look up to Parrydise 
Where peepul breathe and all 

iz nice. 
Goodby, dere family, ev'ry one, 

1 am Your Ever Eflfectionate Son, 

JOHNNIE. 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



41 



Jinrickshaws 



Dere fokes, Im sorry I forgot 
To write last nite, but I was not 
In enny fit condition then 
To try to juggle with a pen. 
And so I thot I'd let it go 
Hoping that you wud never knoe 
The cirkumstances, but I feel 
Az now around the room I reel 
That you shud knoe how I did fall 
From grace by ansering Browzie's 

call. 
On Satterday I to Okeland went 
And fifty cents on likker spent 
In "the Forum" (not a magazine, 
Nor a Greecyan market where 

men kween) 
But a simpul restroom with a bar, 
From which the Play Fiddles keep 

kwite far. 
Hither I went with a reg'lar hound, 
A feller who cud be most drown'd 
In beer and still walk fast and 

strate, 
But such, alas, waz not my fate. 
We stuck our feet upon the rail 
And I knew now I cudn't kwail. 
He sez, "A slow-jinrikkishaw," 
I sez, "A fast one, pleze" and saw 
A look of awe kreep over his 

face, 
And so I sez "Let's have a race, 
To see which one can drink the 

most" 
Wherefore he sed, "Great Ceezar's 

goast !" 
The race begun, I flopped down 

mine 
Into my stommick and sed 

"Fine," 



Another and my eyes shone 

briter, 
A third and now my belt was 

titer. 
The fourth spilt partly on the flore. 
But I sez, "Ozwald, bring on 

more." 
And soon my stommick prickkled 

sum 
And things within my hed did 

hum. 
I felt reel gay and laffed and 

laffed 
Az more jinrikkishaws I kwaffed. 
Fin'lly my frend says "Let's go 

home, 
You're getting foolish in your 

dome." 
'Twaz eezier sed than dun be- 

kawze 
I'd drunk those fast jin-rikki- 

shaws. 
But I on the strete car fin'lly lit. 
And had a kweer dezire to spit 
On the lady's shoe rite next to me. 
And so I did in order to see 
How kuick it wud evaporate. 
But she got mad and didn't wate. 
Going home my hed went round 

in whirls. 
My hair waz falling in long curls 
Around my nees and it did seem, 
Az if a Orriental dreem 
Waz waying down my mind. 

My legs 
Reminded me of beer kegs 
And my arms waz waiving up 

and down 



42 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



Throo' the kwiet streets of Berke- 
ley town. 

Home I arove and went to bed 

And placed my washrag on my 
hed. 

Todae my hed still akes, and, maw, 



I dont krave enny jinrickkishaw. 
Goodby, and say a prayer for me 
Eech time I go upon a Sprea. 
Forgive me, family, every wun, 
I am Your Ever Eflfectshunate Son, 

JOHNNIE. 




Johnnie's Letters Homi 



43 



Suspenders and Tea Fights 



Dere fokes, my hed is popping full 
Of things to tell you, so the bull 
I'm going to sling you. 'Twas 

a weke 
Which did with dizzy payshun 

reke. 
On Friday p. m. first I went 
To the 'Tater house and there 

I spent 
Ten minutes going down the row 
Where all the young pertaters 

grow. 
They beemed on me and I beemed, 

too, 
And in my brest a feeling grew 
Of friendship for each Freshman 

'Tater, 
Eech one of whom I shall kween 

later. 
Sum dame brot me sum skwashy 

kake, 
I took it for politeness sake. 
Another dame rushed up behind 
To skair me, and befuddled my 

mind 
So much I dropped my gnawed-at 

kake 
On the flore. It spread out like 

a lake. 
And so I went to the Skrapper 

house 
And entered silent like a mouse. 
The sisters waz elaborrate dressed, 
And made a hit on eech new 

gest, 
Eech feemale seemed to talk at 

once, 
But the men did only issue grunts. 
And, ill at eeze, each stood around 



Trying to be a tee-fite hound. 
The crowds waz thick. I slowly 

plodded 
Till I cum to where the Fresh- 
men nodded. 
Sum had bewty and sum had wit, 
But all of them waz fizzickly fit. 
They nodded me by with utmost 

haste 
And life seemed a dim and dreery 

waste. 
But a reel nice upperclassman 

cum 
And smiled and made me feel 

to hum. 
Two cups of coffee was giv to me, 
I balanced one upon eech knee, 
And held the ice kreem on eech 

arm 
And prayed I wuldn't cum to 

harm. 
I waz in peril, I'll admit, 
Az I on the Scrapper flore did sit. 
And still the granjur brot a thrill, 
Az I on the wholesum food did 

fill. 
That nite the Devlish Annas 

danced 
And I on their institoot advanced, 
And had a fine time shimmying 

there, 
My dame and I waz a skittish 

pair. 
'Twaz only once I thot I'd croak 
'Twaz when my durned suspenders 

broke. 
It happened rite out on the flore 
There cum a bust, then nothing 

more. 



44 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



My hart stood still and my pants 

did sink, 
My blud froze up and I tried to 

think 
Of something to do, but only cold 

swet 
My forred and cheeks did cum to 

wet. 
When my pants had fin'lly fell 

two feet, 
And my B. V. D's. the krowd 

did greet, 
I cudn't stand it any more 



And stumbled wildly 'cross the 

flore. 
Sum guys cum with a safety pin 
And I returned with a sheepish 

grin. 
Pleze send me kwick another pair 
Of suspenders which I need to 

wear 
This coming weke. Now I must 

run. 
I am Your Ever Eifectshunate Son, 

JOHNNIE. 




Johnnie's Letters Home 



45 



Pride Goeth Before a Fall 



Dere fokes, on aite wheels now 

I run 
And many a plawdit I have won. 
I am a graceful earey site 
Whirling around in the ded of 

nite. 
Sadly of Saterrday nite I think, 
When we stepped out to the skat- 
ing rink. 
Ten of us went and only fore 
Had ever had on skates before. 
However I thot it 'twud be best 
To roll forth with a bulging chest, 
Az if I was a krafty skater, 
But 'twaz an errer I lerned later. 
The boy strapped on my skates. 

I stood 
Up stiffly like a block of wood. 
Feeling unsteddy and afeard 
To move and then sum feemale 

cheered 
Derizively. I started in 
On my mad whirl with a sicken- 
ing grin. 
I went forth boldly on my flite 
Hoping to do well, just from spite. 
Six strokes I took and all waz 

well, 
I'd moved six inches and never 

fell. 
And then I moved again, kuite 

bold. 
In a long and graceful sweep 

I rolled, 
But sumthing happened to the 

wheels, 
And even now my blud congeels 
Az I think of my puzzled, grew- 
sum dred 



And the way the flore and me 

did wed. 
One feller with a sick necktie 
Of green did see me going by 
And laffed and sed with feeble 

wit 
That in one count the flore I'd 

hit. 
I'd like to have punched him, 

goodness knows. 
But pekulyarly I never roze 
In time, and he on wheels waz 

gone 
Like winged Mercury at the 

dawn. 
Feeling kwite black and blue I 

turned 
And for a resting place I yerned, 
But peepul blocked my ev'ry 

way, 
And yet it waz onsafe to stay. 
Feebly agen I whirling went 
Over the miles of rink and spent 
Fore hours and a half until I 

came 
Back to the starting place. My 

fame 
Roze high in leeps and bounds. 

They tell 
That "forty-three times Johnnie 

fell." 
Fin'lly I reeched my friends. 

My bones 
Waz broozed and aking. Feerful 

groans 
Aroze from ev'ry joint and 

mussel 
I'd had a life and deth like tussel. 




'My wheels zvent out frum under me: 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



47 



When a nice bench did hove in 

site 
I tried to end my maddened flite, 
But the blamed wheels kept 

agoing. Fear 
Agen my kwivering spine did 

speer. 
I hollered "Look Out, Gangway 

Pleze," 
But az this warning I did wheeze, 
I hit full blast a feemale party, 
Who when I hit her lap said 

"Smarty" 
And pushed me brootally away, 
And chewed her gum in a bullying 

way. 
One of my dames came to my aid. 
But I soon wished that she had 

stayed 
Away, for az she tottered nere, 
The gink with the green necktie 

did leer 
And racing past, he shoved her 

arm, 
She reeched for me in great alarm. 
My wheels went out frum under 

me, 



And both of us shincy stars did see. 
And so we Httered up the flore 
And we waz tramped on more 

and more 
Till fin'lly a clanging bell rung out, 
And there waz many a cheer and 

shout, 
It waz the signal for a race, 
And we waz still in that feerful 

place 
Waiting our deth from flying feet 
But soon the gards did kussing 

greet 
Us and did sweep us off the rink. 
To-day my helth iz on the blink. 
I never agen shall wheel on 

skates, 
Unless the Lord my reezon takes, 
Goodby, dere family, pray that I 
From my bad injerries will not die. 
Pleze send me kwick a soft silk 

shirt, 
So that my broozes will not hurt. 
God bless you, family, ev'ry one. 
I am Your Ever Effectshunate Son, 

JOHNNIE. 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



The Bathing Girls 



Dere fokes, my mind with madness 

reels, 
I push away my hash at meels, 
I lie awake for owwers at nite, 
I don't enjoy the passing flite 
By Wheeler Hall. I'm silent, too, 
And skinny, like I had the Floo. 
The reezon that I'm so unwell 
Iz that I went and saw and fell 
For the Bathing Feemales at 

the show, 
Tiz that which has disturbed me 

so. 
These bathing girls cum frum the 

beech 
In order that they here mite teech 
Our kolledge ko-eds what to wear 
Out in the sun and foam and air. 
The/ve took the kampus by 

surprize, 
And all — both innosent and wize 
Have gone to see, then gone agen, 
I'm specking 'spechully of the men. 
I first did go on Fryday nite, 
And slinked in filled with timid 

frite. 
With two other guys who kraved 

to see 
These Bathing Girls at the T 

and D. 
The thea>ier waz pitch black. We 

enterred 
When all iyes on the stage was 

centerred. 
Unforchunetlly the first ten rows 
Waz filled with eeger kollidge 

Joes, 
Who'd erly cum to get down nere 
(Not to see the pitchurs, I fere), 



And so we had to sit back far 
But this, however, didn't mar 
Our interest in the lovely sites 
Goin' on behind the brite foot lites. 
We saw sum seats down a long 

row 
And over the knees begun to go. 
We skweezed and pushed and 

skwirmed and riggled. 
Sum kollidge girls observed and 

giggled, 
But most of the peepul waz dis- 
gusted 
That we into their midst had 

busted. 
And made our entrance so bee- 

lated. 
And spoiled their view. Hence 

we waz hated 
By all whoze kneez waz in our 

way, 
'Twuz many a mean thing they did 

say. 
My iyes waz so glood on the stage 
I tripped akross sum fat "old 

age," 
Who groaned and crashed back 

in her seet 
And rubbed her aking legs and 

feet. 
Fin'lly we reeched what seemed a 

void. 
Where no one seemed to be 

annoyed. 
So we sunk down in grate releef 
In the bathing girls to drown our 

greef. 
But az I sat in the dark chasm, 
A lady skreemed and had a spazm 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



49 



Beneeth me, for I wrong had sat 
On a little ole maid who wazn't 

fat 
Enuff to hold me, so I left. 
And beeing of a sitting place be- 
reft, 
I kneeled down on the dirty flore, 
From whence the view waz very 

pore. 
But still I got a eye-full and 
I thot myself in Fairyland. 
Those bathing bewties danced 

about 
(Which brot from the koUidge 

men a shout) 
And showed their bathing costumes 

which 
Did ofifen need a timely stitch, 
And the rithum of the human body. 
Which iz a fascinating study. 



I watched. My eyes popped out 

and bulged, 
Az their charms the bathing 

soots divulged. 
I sat until both shows was ended, 
And then my homeward way I 

wended. 
My mind cud hardly think a-tall, 
'Twas filled with the bewty of 

it all. 
On Saterrday nite again I went, 
And four enrapshured owwers 

spent. 
To-nite 'tiz Visit Number Three 
That I'm making to the T and D. 

Bathing Girls, pleze cum to 

kollidge 
And add to our esthettic Nolledge, 
Goodby, dere family, ev'ry one, 

1 am Your Every Effechunate Son, 

JOHNNIE. 




50 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



Aunt Jane 



Dere fokes, I'm pretty neer wore 

out, 
Sense I've becum such a gad- 
about. 
Last Friday nite twuz cold and 

wet 
And in the rain I went to get 
My dansing pardner whose abode 
Iz found on a suberban rode 
In Alameda. There I went 
By street car and two hours wuz 

spent 
In going. O my bones did ake 
From all the jolts the car did take. 
When we did reech the end of 

the line, 
I took it that it must be the sine 
For getting off, so in the rain 
I started forth to find "Aunt 

Jane," 
Who is the guardeen of my dame 
When she's in koUidge. Her other 

name 
I didn't know, so I did hope, 
Az in the darkness I did grope. 
That I wud find the house all rite 
Tho I'd forgot the number. Nite 
Closed in about me, dark and wet, 
I sed, "I'll think of that number 

yet." 
But it complete had left my mind 
And try as I did, I culdn't find 
It more. O I did frantick grow, 
Az throo' the wet paths I did go. 
And then I remembered she had 

sed 
In whispers with a cold in her hed, 
By telefone, "The house is 

shingle," 



With suddint hope my thots did 

tingle. 
And as I mused, fond memory 

brott 
Another trezure that I sett. 
She'd sed, "The house next dore 

is white," 
My emoshun wuz a piteous site. 
And so I tried eech shingle home 
Next to a white one and did rome 
About for sevrel blocks or miles 
I gess it wuz. Both frowns and 

smiles 
Did meet me at each shingle dore 
But ignorants and nothing more 
Did greet my oft repeeted kweery, 
Which I did utter, week and 

weery, 
"Can you pleze tell me if Aunt Jane 
Doze live here?" I think that 

they insane 
Did stamp me. But I persevered 
As throo' the lanes my legs I 

steered. 
There waz one lady, stern and thin, 
Who peeked throo' a dore. And 

I did grin. 
Thinking she must be a old maid, 
Becawze she looked so thin and 

staid, 
I up and sed, "Are you Aunt 

Jane?" 
She shuddered and shut me out in 

in the rain. 
Another, a fat man once did cum, 
"The wimmin fokes are not to 

hum," 
He sed and softly closed the dore. 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



And there wuz rain and nothing 

more. 
A bent old woman once appeared 
Who looked at me as tho' afeard, 
I sed "Perhaps you're Aunt 

Jane's maw," 
She sed "I'm a stranger here;" 

I saw 
That she was skeart of me and 

so 
Agen in the black nite I did go. 
Fin'lly at ten o'clock I found 
Aunt Jane's abode. The bell didn't 

sound 
And so I pounded on the dore, 
At first twuz silence, nothing 

more. 
Aunt Jane with nite cap on her hed 
Announced that all had gone to 

bed, 



But still I had her wake her neese, 
"Such nonsence henceforth you 

must ceese," 
She sed. But enny way we went, 
And then two hours more wuz 

spent 
In getting to the danse. And there 
Familyar notes fell on the air. 
Az they played, the dansers all 

arose, 
Twuz the national anthem which 

did close 
The danse. We cawt the last 

car home. 
And never again so far I'll rome. 
Goodby, dere famly, ev'ry one, 
I am Your Ever Effectshunate 

Son, 

JOHNNIE. 




52 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



The Milky Way 



Dere fokes, my life's a soshial 

whurl, 
No time hav I to set and twirl 
My fingers for theres lots to do 
If one a dozen girls would woo. 
Last Friday nite some frends 

and me 
Stepped forth to the city for to see 
ShakeSpeare's genus at its hite, 
In Omelet — twuz a tragic site. 
The speeches beeing rather long 
And nary a dance and nary a song, 
I sat back with a amuzed air 
Observin' Human Natchure there. 
A woman sat in front of us 
Who made a everlastin' fuss. 
Eech word she said wud cawse to 

wiggle 
Her eerrings, my dame did gigle 
And me and the others laffed out 

lowd, 
Cawsing sum protest from the 

crowd. 
In back a man to sleep nere gone 
Did yawn a most prodidjus yawn. 
His open mouth showed he wuz 

old, 
It beein' mostly gums and gold. 
To pass the time I looked to see 
How many balled beds there 

mite be 
In seein' distance and I found, 
Both oval, skware, oblikque and 

round, 
A total sum of thirty seven, 
Which had no hair and then eleven 
Which had a littel, almost none, 
Which looked like specks upon 

the sun. 



The play wuz grand. My soal wuz 

sturred, 
Especially when the deths okkured. 
The next day beein' awful hot 
A glass of buttermilk I got 
In the sandwetch shop where I 

espide 
Two laydey friends who beamed 

with pride 
When me they saw cavorting in, 
Perspiring with a plezent grin. 
They both wuz seeted at a taybel 
Whitch they had choze 'cawze they 

wuz able 
From it to see the passing throng 
Umhampered az they marched 

along. 
And also to resiprocate 
By showing themselves in a "tay- 

ta-tate." 
They beckoned me to cum and set 
With them. And I beein' overhet 
Sunk damp and sticky in a chair, 
And wisht I didn't haff to wear 
So many clothes. I also prayed 
That since pore me they had way- 

layed 
That they wud get a seperret bill. 
The food they'd bawt waz enuff to 

kill 
A giant. Az I gazed dummfounded 
I hoped my feres wuz not well 

grounded. 
That all those sandewetches and 

pie 
And waffels, which did also lie 
There and the cups of choklitt, 

too, 
And the marmelaide and other goo 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



53 



Wud be charged up to my slim 

purse 
And then another thot still worse 
Did seeze me. O i£ ^ shud fail 
To have enuff. 1 turned reel pale 
And suffered terrible suspense 
Fondling my dime and thirty cents 
In my pocket. Then they brought 

me in 
My buttermilk. My hed did swim 
And reel with awful apprehenshun, 
My nerves waz rawt up to that 

tenshun 
Where they run loose, and so 

unmeaning, 
My elbow on the taybul leaning, 
When the wateress suddenly did say 
"I gess the gentleman will pay?" 
My heart in icey dred did leep, 
My elbow took a suddint sweep 
And sped the buttermilk in the 

air, 
Like a cloudburst it did settle 

where 
The crisp new sandwetches did lay, 
And made of them a milky way. 
In horror I jumped to the flore 



And doing so overturned some 

more 
Which still waz left. I muttered 

"Hasen! 
Somebody bring a mop and basin." 
The wimmin sat there, cold and 

grim, 
And watched their waffles splash 

and swim 
Until sum buttermilk did trickle 
Down where their nees was and 

did tickle 
Them and spoiled eech Eester dress, 
"O Lord!" I sed, "What a awful 

mess." 
And then I met the laydey's eye 
Who runs the shop. And I did fly 
In terror out the nerest dore. 
Which I'll not darken ennymore. 
Offen I dreem of her and shake 
My self to see if I'm awake 
And even then I think its real, 
My life iz sure one grand ordeal. 
Goodby, dere famly, ev'ry one, 
I am Your Ever Effectshunate 

Son, 

JOHNNIE. 




'On the Roily Koster we lost our breth.' 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



55 



At I DORA Park 



Dere fokes, I'm tired of the soshial 

stuff 
And ake agen to akt reel tuff, 
And so last nite a frend and me 
To Adorer Park excitement lends. 
What we cud find to stimulate 
Our joy in living and so in state 
With two fcemales of soshial caste, 
Into th' alluring gates we passed. 
The brite lites and the gambling 

dens 
To Adorer Park excitement lends, 
The girls at first did stout pro- 

clame 
That they wuz sorry they had came 
To risk their lives and lose their 

curls 
On all them darksome brethless 

whirls. 
One of them sed that sense her 

birth 
She never had ariz from earth 
And wudn't now, so not to teezer, 
Lest suddint wrath should ominus 

seezer 
And bring a Eppileptick fit 
(Altho' she appeared kwite sound 

of wit). 
But the aeroplane (hung to a chain) 
W^ith dezire to fly did seeze my 

brain. 
And so, although myself afeard, 
I told my dame not to get skeered 
With me along. So she and I 
Around in a ring in the air did fly. 
We went so fast our neeze did 

shake, 
I held her tite for safety's sake. 



The motion made me see- 
sick ! "O," 
I prayed, "O, airship, go more 

slow !" 
My dame with suddint boldness 

fired 
Sed, when we'd stopped, she wuzn't 

tired. 
But I crept out and her forsook. 
And seein' az I had the pocket book 
She soon cum after, and we went 
To the merry' go-round. There 

wuz spent 
A wild hilarious time a-riding. 
And off the slippery horses sliding. 
Our other cupple we found there, 
O. K. but sumwhat wurse for wear. 
The horses beeing sorter mild. 
My dame sed, "Let's do something 

wild." 
Taking her at her word we entered 
"The Whip"; excitement there is 

centerred 
With dubble force. The crooked 

track 
Sends shivers up the small of 

your back. 
My dame clung willing. When I 

held 
Her tite she never once rebelled. 
W^e liked it, so we rode six times. 
Till I found that I wuz out of 

dimes. 
And then we joined the other pair, 
They having sum money still to 

spare. 
On the Roily Koster we lost our 

breth, 



56 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



The dames both gurgled az if 

Deth 
Wuz coming. So I held mine tite 
And spanked her back when she 

grew white. 
Altho' enjoyin' the fizzickle thrill 
Which cum in the sudden drop 

downs. Still 
My stummick's scooped out feel- 
ing grew 
To such proportions that I knew 
How it must feel to be in love 
And so I prayed the Lord abuv 
Wud keep me from a harsh attack 
Of lovesickness. When we wuz 
back 



Upon the dry ground still once 

more 
We sott the crowded dansing flore, 
Where, chewin* gum and holdin' 

tite, 
We wuz as tuff as enny that nite. 
On sich occashuns such as these 
A demerkrattick sense doze pleze 
Me. Bathing in Humanitty 
Doze help releeve inannity, 
And so agen we fore shall chase 
To this tuff but captivating place, 
Goodby, dere famly, ev'ry one, 
I am Your Ever Effectshunate 

Son, 

JOHNNIE. 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



57 



The Belgian Baby Ball 



Dere fokes, a feemale I did hawl 
To hear the Beljun babies bawl. 
At the 'Tater house my dame was 

dressing 
Reel slow, I spoze to keep me 

gessing, 
And so I sat and dummly wated 
Az my new black shoes I kon- 

templated. 
An hour and a half and may be 

more 
I viewed the dust on the 'Tater's 

flore, 
And then I rendered "Three Blind 

Mice" 
On the pianny. It did sound so 

nice 
And brought such cheer to the 

house. 
Five times I rendered each blind 

mouse. 
The pianny beeing out of tune, 
My dame cum rushing down reel 

soon. 
To say the housemarm's hed did 

ake 
And so I ceesed my big mistake. 
In a strete car, we io pomp did 

ride. 
And both my shoestrings cum 

untied, 
Due to our running for the car, 
And also I obtained a skar 
From hoisting my dame up the 

step, 
Beeing az her skirt waz tite. My 

pep 
Did most giv out at this sad 

junkshun 



But on we went to the Soshial 

Funkshun. 
A multitood was at this dance, 
Perhaps five hundred pairs of pants 
Waz present and a thousand 

wimmin, 
(One half of which waz used for 

trimmin 
The empty walls) and plenty of 

money 
Waz razed to buy kows' milk and 

honey 
For the Beljun babies. None will 

starve, 
Indeed I figger they can karve 
A turkey on eech holliday 
For these babies az they cum from 

play. 
Their Golden Goose has laid a 

egg 
The size of a normel beer kaig. 
'Twuz the Dee Gee sisters giv' this 

ball 
In ans»r to the Beljuns' call, 
And I proklame them sure-enuflE 

ladies 
For beeing so nice to the Beljun 

babies. 
Demokracy waz at the ball. 
All types one saw around the wall. 
The pore, the fat, the rich, the 

thin, 
All helped out in the drone and 

din. 
But all agreed in the shimmy's 

kraze. 
And none there did objeckshun 

raze. 



58 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



One kupple, kookoo in their up- 
stairs 
Did wall off a corner with sum 

chairs 
And jumped like monkeys in this 

space, 
A gargoyle grin upon eech face. 
They twirled and whirled and 

hopped and bowed 
To the bewilderment of all the 

krowd, 
They jumped and bumped and 

dipped and skipped, 
And I laffed until my garter 

ripped. 



Then I stood still, a trembling 

martyr 
To the whim of that Pareesian 

Garter. 
It groaned, it creeked, it palpitated 
In suspense and agony I waited. 
But it hung, thank God, by one 

mere thread 
Until I safely got to bed. 
Dere fokes, I'd rather hav' a 

toomer 
Than be without a sense of humor. 
Goodby, my family, ev'ry one, 
I am Your Ever Effectioonate 

Son, 

JOHNNIE. 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



59 



The Prytanean Fete 



Dere fokes, last nite I skipped 

around 
At the Prettyneen Fait and plezure 

found 
In all the wild excitement there, 
In all the gay Boheemian air. 
Konfetti and the blare of drums, 
And ballay girls and campus bums, 
The sound of revelry by nite, 
The kaffay's brite alluring lite. 
The bags of candy that I ate. 
All this made up the Prettyneen 

fate. 
I also saw sum cheep side shows, 
And wimmin tramped upon my 

toes 
To make me buy sum seets 

therein. 
Even if I'd alreddy bin 
They made me buy sum more. I 

spent 
My own cash and what others lent. 
I dansed with a little Chinese girl 
Who waz a Orriental perl, 
She grabbed her male frends by 

the kollar 
And made them each spend half-a- 

dollar 
On the "Follies," then she wudn't 

danse 
Until they dove down in their 

pants 
And brot the remainder of their 

money 
For her melting pot, she thot 'twaz 

funny. 
All the admiring men waz thrilled, 
And the Prettyneen's Koffers waz 

well filled. 



I marched in the Grand Pro- 

cesshun, too, 
With a klassy lady that I knew. 
She waz dressed up az a cirkus 

tent, 
And peepul cheered wherever she 

went. 
She wore a flagpole on her hed, 
Az she marched with a imposing 

tred. 
The first prize went to the "Pop- 

korn Dame" 
Whoze strings of popcorn won her 

fame. 
A fat old farmer cum out sekund 
He had three teeth and said he 

reckoned 
The crops was doing mitey pore. 
And then he skooted out the dore. 
I went into the Fashion Show, 
It cost me twenty cents to go. 
But it waz surely worth the bill, 
Those feemales waz dressed fit 

to kill. 
I went in a fortune telling booth, 
Where a Gypsy sed she'd tell the 

trooth 
About me, then she kalmly sed, 
"Sum day, young man, you're going 

to wed." 
Then added, (her voice waz hard 

and dry), 
"Sum day, young man, you're 

going to die." 
This prophecy did stir me so. 
No longer can I plezure know 
My soal is wretched, full of 

gloom, 
Az I think of my impending doom. 



60 Johnnie's Letters Home 



To die is bad enuff, but oh ! For I am a pore, financial wreck. 

'Tis the marrying which doze Chip in sum money, ev'ry one, 

greeve me so. I am Your Ever Effechtshunate 

Goodby, dere fokes, pleze send a Son, 

check, JOHNNIE. 




Johnnie's Letters Home 



61 



Bolshevism 



Dere fokes, the whole world I did 

see 
Shimmying ^t the Freshie Glee. 
Under the purpel forrest's roof, 
Many a mean and wicked hoof 
Was shaken, many a eye did close 
In the thrill of this ungainly poze. 
When cheek meets cheek, tiz 

surely time 
To expose this evil deed in rime, 
And so I'm going to tell the plot, 
Of why they shiver in one spot, 
Of why they rub eech other's nozes 
Agenst the written law of Moses, 
Of why they breethe a mutual 

breth, 
Which mite result in dizeeze or 

deth. 
The whole thing cums from Bol- 
shevism 
Which seeks the kriminal baptizm 
Of all the world, which seeks to 

win 
Humanity for blud and sin. 
And seeks this end in hidden ways. 
Among which is this shimmy 

kraze. 
Leenine and Trotzky did invent 
This suttel evil. Hours waz spent 
In perfecting this, their Grand 

Design 
Kalkillated to bring in line 
America to Bolshevism 
And thus effect a mitey Skizm 
Betwixt the Allies. And it seems 
Az if they mite attain their 

dreems. 
Unless we start a social war 
To stop it 'fore it goes too far. 



When the innosence of youth takes 

to it, 
'Tis time to grab the vinegar 

kruit 
And pour some oil upon the flame, 
Before it eats away our name. 
This lingering, kwivering, shiv- 

erring dance 
Doze feeblemindedness enhance. 
It stunts the mental growth of 

youth. 
And sways them from the paths 

of trooth. 
It nullifies and deddens reezon 
And starts a Bolshevikky treezon 
'Gainst social codes and dry con- 
vention 
And other things I needn't mention. 
It makes for luxury's weekening 

spell, 
Remember Rome and how it fell ! 
And at the Freshie Glee they 

shimmied, 
There waz none there that waz too 

timid 
To slap Convention in the face. 
And shiver in one inch of space. 
And at the Pie-Fry house next 

nite. 
Another Bolshevikky site 
Did greet my pained and greeving 

eyes. 
Sisters of every shape and size 
Waz shimmying, their eyes closed 

tite 
To avoid the harsh and search- 
ing lite. 
Even the Feemale Prezzident 
Of the Animated Wimmen spent 



62 



Johnnie's Letters Home 



Her time in shimmying. O my 

Lord 
Let peece and reezon be restored! 
Keep us from Bolshevism's 

kurse, 
Bring on the shimmy's blackened 

hearse. 
Goodby, dere family, take to hart 
The lesson that I here impart, 



Pleaze don't shimmy in our front- 
room. 

Or we'll feel red Bolshevizm's 
doom. 

And tell the town foke, ev'ry one, 

I am Your Ever Effechtshunate 
Son, 

JOHNNIE. 




